Pastoral advice when dealing with young people who find out that a
sibling had been aborted.
Fr. Frank Pavone
Pontifical Council for the Family
International Director, Priests for Life
"A woman reported telling her nine year old son about her abortion, which
had taken place years before he was born. He said, 'I knew, Mom, that there
was something wrong. I always have nightmares about knives and my mother
killing me. I have an imaginary brother who wants to kill me. If you had not
aborted the other, would you have aborted me?'" (Abortion Survivors, p.36).
This is a story repeated more times than most people realize, and
representing a societal and pastoral problem whose proportions are greater today
than at any previous time in history: the phenomenon of tens of millions of
abortion survivors.
It is clear that abortion's primary victim is the child who is killed. It has
also become increasingly clear that to kill the child is to harm the mother and
father as well. What is not always so well known, however, is that abortion
makes its impact felt on those who have had a sibling aborted, and that this
impact is felt in surprising and astonishing ways, which also have wider
implications for the whole of society.
I have come to learn about this mostly through my personal association with
Dr. Philip G. Ney, MD, FRCP(C), RPsych. Dr. Ney, a child psychiatrist, has done
extensive research in the area of child abuse and pregnancy loss, and his
research has shed much light on the impact of abortion on our society. For the
purposes of this article, I have drawn heavily on two of his works, Abortion
Survivors (1998) and How to Talk with your Children About your Abortion: A
Practical Guide for Parents (1998). (See conclusion for more information about
how to obtain these.)
Ten types of abortion survivors
Those who find out that a sibling has been aborted are actually among ten
types of "abortion survivors," a category that reaches beyond those upon whom an
abortion attempt was actually made. The types are as follows:
- Statistical survivors. These are people who survived in countries or
cities where there is a statistically high probability that they would have
been aborted. They come to know that the odds were definitely stacked
against them. In some parts of Eastern Europe, the chances of being aborted
are as high as 80%.
- Wanted survivors. These are people whose parents carefully deliberated about
whether or not to abort them. They may have calculated, consulted, and
discussed the possibility. Interestingly, there is growing evidence that
unborn children are affected by the hormonal changes that result from major
conflicts in the mind of the mother. (One case study of a person who tried
to commit suicide on the same day every year revealed that that was the day
his mother had an appointment to abort him.)
- Sibling survivors. These are people born into families where one or more of
their siblings were aborted.
- Threatened survivors. These are children whose parents have used abortion as
a threat, even if they never considered it during the pregnancy: "You
wretched, ungrateful child...I should have aborted you!"
- Disabled survivors. These are people who, because of developmental defects
or other circumstances, would usually be aborted. In fact, they often wonder
whether their parents would have aborted them had they known about the
defects.
- Chance survivors. These are children who would have been aborted if the
mother had been able to obtain the abortion. The abortion was prevented by a
lack of money, time, permission, availability, etc.
- Ambivalent survivors. These are children of parents who could not make up
their minds about the abortion and delayed until it was too late. They are
often caught up in their parents' continuing ambivalence, and can wonder
whether they can still be terminated.
- Twin survivors. These are people whose twin was aborted. Twins communicate,
touch, and even caress each other in the womb. The loss of the twin by
abortion is deeply felt and often causes the survivor to be suicidal.
- Attempted Murder survivors. These are people who survived an actual abortion
attempt. Besides the physical harm that is often done, they suffer intense
psychological struggles, nightmares, confused identities, and a fear of
doctors.
- Murdered survivors. These are children who survived an abortion for just a
short period of time, and were subsequently killed by the abortion staff or
left to die.
Sibling Survivors
Regarding sibling survivors, the first question that likely comes to mind is,
How do they know in the first place that a sibling was aborted? As the quote at
the beginning of the article reveals, they often know by a strong and mysterious
intuition, or the sensation of the presence of a "missing" or imaginary person.
Case histories and research evidence indicate that if a mother has had an
abortion, this fact will be communicated in one way or another to the surviving
siblings. Dr. Ney simply states, "You cannot not communicate" (How to
Talk...p.3).
Many dynamics are at work here. Abortion is often discussed in our society,
so children easily wonder whether there was one in their own family. Their
curiosity may lead them to indirectly probe the matter with their parents, or
they may overhear conversations about it. Objectively, moreover, the abortion
does cause various symptoms of distress within the family, and this can lead
children to conclude that the unspoken cause of the distress is an abortion.
Parents may at times blurt it out to the child in a moment of anger.
Yes, Survivors should be told.
Dr. Ney is clear that women who have had abortions should tell their
surviving children about it. The reasons, simply summed up, are that the price
of not honestly communicating about it is higher than that of revealing it. The
truth will set you free is true not only on a spiritual level, but also on the
level of natural psychology. The destructive dynamics of a past abortion will be
felt in the family, unavoidably. It is better that children come to know the
reasons for these dynamics, rather than have to live with pseudo-secrets and
with a fantasy which may be far more horrifying than the reality. Good advice
regarding the timing and manner of telling children about an abortion, and how
to deal with the possible responses, is found in Dr. Ney's book, How to Talk
with your Children About your Abortion: A Practical Guide for Parents (1998).
The wounds of sibling survivors
To know how to help the sibling survivor, one must understand some of the
psychological dynamics at work. Dr. Ney points out that the research reveals
several patterns.
- Survivor Guilt. "Why am I alive, and not my brother or sister? I feel
guilty. I don't deserve to be alive. I can't enjoy life when I know that my
parents might have killed me. They arranged for the death of my brothers or
sisters, who were probably better than me."
- Existential Anxiety. "I want to live but I fear I am doomed. Something awful
is going to happen to me...I don't know how or when." This suffering springs
from the awareness that one is alive because one was "wanted." What, then,
if I am no longer wanted? Can I still be killed? This fear can lead to an
exaggerated effort to stay wanted, and such an effort can make one weary
and, at a certain point, completely rebellious in an effort to reject the
need to constantly strive to be wanted. This can account for the mindless
vandalism of many adolescents.
- Anxious Attachment. "I'm not sure how my parents feel about me, so I have to
stay close to them, but the closer I get the worse I feel." From the
parent's perspective as well, abortion interferes with their ability to bond
with subsequent children or to respond tenderly to their helpless cry.
- Pseudo-Secret Collusion. "I desperately need to know what happened to my
unborn brother or sister, but am afraid to ask...it may be too terrible to
know...and asking may ruin my relationship with my parents..."
- Distrust. "I can't believe that my parents, who would kill one of their
children, can really love me."
- Self-doubt. Having destroyed a child by abortion, parents develop deep
fears of how they or others might hurt subsequent children. They can
therefore become over-protective. Constantly warning children to be careful
can then decrease the child's confidence. Decision-making can become
extremely difficult.
- Ontological Guilt. "I know I am talented and have lots of opportunities. I
could have a good future, but I can't seem to get my act into gear."
Survivors feel a deep uncertainty about the future, or their own prospects
of survival, and so may find it hard to make good plans. They keep quitting
and starting again, and may rationalize their failures.
- Dislike of Children. Because they are unsure of their own existence and
identity, survivors feel threatened by children, and may either avoid having
them, or put them in day-care at a very early age.
How Do We Respond Pastorally?
Abortion survivors are all around us, and responding to them pastorally will
be an ever greater aspect of our ministry in the months and years ahead.
As one can deduce from the information provided above, the communication and
healing regarding the abortion of a sibling is a family matter, and needs to be
facilitated within the family. Helping parents to identify the way abortion
harms their family relations, and counseling them regarding how to talk to their
children, is one aspect of our role.
Prevention, of course, is essential, and the road to alleviating the problem
of so many who suffer the effects of being abortion survivors is to have fewer
abortions. Increasing the value and necessity of children is a key theme for the
parish to stress on the road to this goal. The involvement of families in which
there are abortion survivors in projects aimed at prevention of the problems
that they experienced is, according to Dr. Ney, ideal.
Dr. Ney points out that group psychotherapy is effective in assisting the
survivor of abortion. Family therapy should follow. In the absence of intensive
psychotherapy, which is the ideal, counseling is very valuable, especially when
directed at the existential guilt.
In this regard, it is necessary to point out the distinction between being
wanted and being welcomed. Being wanted is not necessarily a consolation. It
gives the wrong message, namely, that my life or death depends on the fact that
someone wants or doesn't want me...I have no intrinsic right to be.
Welcome, on the other hand, is the response to one who has an intrinsic
value, a value that is recognized and acknowledged to be independent of the
circumstances in which one comes to be. When one is welcomed, he/she is not
subject to the plans, desires, or expectations of others. He/she is not tied to
or evaluated by the criteria of someone else's agenda. Rather, he/she is
acknowledged as good simply because he/she is and has a right to be.
The Church clearly has a key role in this regard, and Dr. Ney emphasizes the
key role of spiritual renewal and the Church community in assisting the abortion
survivor. Our clear and consistent teaching on the intrinsic value of every
human life speaks directly to the needs of the abortion survivor. In the words
of Evangelium Vitae, "Life is always a good...Why is life a good?...The life
which God gives man...is a manifestation of God in the world, a sign of his
presence, a trace of his glory....Man has been given a sublime dignity based on
the intimate bond which unites him to his Creator: In man there shines forth a
reflection of God himself" (EV #34).
In the words of Dr. Ney, "Abortion survivors must be able to see that
parental love is real. When they see it in people, they then can understand that
God, as our Father, can be loving toward them. They need to understand that they
are welcome in God's family, and that when they have God's Spirit within them He
gives purpose, joy and meaning to their lives. Salvation through Jesus Christ is
both the cause and effect in the healing process."
The message given to the abortion survivor by the horror of abortion, as
contrasted by that given by the Gospel of Life, was dramatically brought
home to me when, during the same week, I came across two poems, written at
different times by different people.
The first was actually used at a meeting of abortion providers as a prayer.
It is addressed to the unwanted child. The second was written by a pro-life
activist, as a message to a welcomed child. They read as the precise reverse of
each other, almost as though each was written with the other in view. Let them
strengthen us in our mission of rescuing the potential victims and healing the
survivors.
Prayer Used at National Abortion Federation
"Greetings, little one. Little sister, little brother,Great
wise ancestor.
You want to come to our house,
Maybe you think we would make good parents for you---
Well, the food is short now----
The winter was too long, and the summer too hot.
We have too many mouths to feed.
My husband works too hard already.
We cannot open our home to you now.
Try again later, little one, or find a better place.
Go in peace now, go in peace."
Come Forth
Copyright: December, 1979
By: RoseMarie
Come, pass this way, unseen one
Come, walk through the shadows of life
I invite you, want you, need you
Do not drop back into the unknown void.
Come forward into the bright
Sunshine, feel the softness of the snow,
See the vivid brightness of the stars.
Run over the warm hot sands
Of time, with pink chubby toes,
Reach out cherub arms, innocent
Hands to catch butterflies, fish,
Worms, puppies, whatever pleases your heart.
Grow in happiness, love, agony, despair
Let life be kind or cruel, it matters not.
Just come forth, there is love,
Delight waiting, watching, wanting
You. Come forth dear little heart.
Come forth.
For further information on the work of Dr. Ney, and to obtain his
publications, contact The International Institute for Pregnancy Loss and Child
Abuse Research and Recovery (IIPLCARR), PO Box 27103, Goldstream Ave, Victoria,
British Columbia, Canada V9B 5S4, Phone (250) 391-1840, Fax (250) 391-1841,
Email: iiplcarr@islandnet.com
You may also contact Priests for Life at PO Box 141172, Staten Island, NY
10314, Tel. 888-PFL-3448, Fax 718-980-6515, Email: mail@priestsforlife.org, Web
site www.priestsforlife.org
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