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What you cannot feel
I had an abortion 34 years ago not because I was being pressured. In fact, the boy who was the father wanted me to have the baby. The bottom line is I didn't want to have a baby, and I wanted to believe that this was just a bunch of cells. So I hardened my heart, I had the abortion and I determined that I was never gonna let it bother me. It was nobody’s business but my own, it was my body and I could choose what to do. If you would've asked me if it bothered me I would have said no. And I really believed it was true that it didn't bother me.      You can’t grieve what you can’t feel.

Eight years passed and then Jesus Christ changed my heart, but even then, though I confessed it as sin, I still didn't have an emotional connection to the baby that I killed. How is it that a woman can kill her own baby and carry on as if nothing has happened?     You can’t grieve what you can’t feel.

I felt nothing until God graciously gave me a vision of heaven one day. He introduced me to the baby that was my child. He showed me my son with all of his potential- things he would’ve done, people his life would’ve touched. After he was made known to me, the reality of what I had done came flooding in. Until that day, the pain lay buried in my heart.     Because you can’t grieve what you can’t feel. 

I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat which I can recommend to any woman who needs healing. 

35% of women will have had at least one abortion before they are 45 years old.  That means that approximately 1 in 3 women in this country are wounded inside, many of whom are numb to their pain. It’s my prayer that they find healing and that’s why I’m silent no more.


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