I grew up in southern California, and had my first abortion when I was fourteen years old. Things like sex and abortion were not talked about in my home. I was exposed to pornography at a very young age so when Planned Parenthood became active in our school and neighborhood I heard the message loud and clear that my sex life was my own, to do with as I wanted.
I found out I was pregnant in the summer between my 8th and 9th grade year. I was very sick during my pregnancy, so as my boyfriend and I walked down to our local Planned Parenthood office, I threw up all the way. There I was told, that because I was less than 12 weeks pregnant, what I had inside me was nothing more than a mass of cells, a blob of flesh. They told me that I could get my abortion paid for at the welfare office, they gave me directions to that office as well as directions to the nearest abortion clinic. My boyfriend and I left Planned Parenthood never questioning what we were about to do, we’d known others who’d had abortions… I mean it was legal right?
We walked to the welfare office and I told the woman behind the glass that I needed an abortion. She had us wait awhile until a social worker called me into the back. She asked me for an ID and a Social Security card, neither of which I had. In fact I didn’t even know my SS number at the time. I explained that I couldn’t ask my mother what my SS number was because I wasn’t about to tell her that I was pregnant. The social worker appeared to feel sorry for me as I must have looked green and was throwing up in her trashcan. She approved the funds for my abortion, no ID, no SS number.
Truthfully, I don’t remember much about the abortion itself. I don’t remember much about the next abortion I went on to have either. Nothing really mattered to me after that, I became promiscuous, smoked a lot of pot and drank a lot. I never told anybody about my abortions, not even my husband when we decided to abort our child having gotten pregnant only months after having twins. This was my third abortion. I hated being pregnant, I was always sick, I felt disabled. Being pregnant and sick always made me feel fourteen again and reminded me of my first abortion. I was resentful, so I was afraid that I wouldn’t love my children. A life of shame was all I knew, I was even ashamed of my thoughts. Nobody really knew me, I had completely buried my abortions. I was out of control “fun” one minute and out of control “angry” the next. I hurt anyone I could get my hands on, especially the men in my life. I felt unworthy of love and deserving of punishment. After the abortions, the fact that it was legal brought me no comfort yet I justified my abortions by encouraging my girlfriends to get them.
In 2005 I became pregnant with my son and was very excited this time, since I had a new perspective because I had come to know Jesus as my savior. I was so excited that I went in for an ultrasound very early in the pregnancy, just five weeks. I was completely stunned when I saw the ultrasound with his tiny beating heart. I had no idea!! I understood Christ’s sacrifice and forgiveness but suddenly I realized that I didn’t really know what I was forgiven for.
My husband passed away a short time later, which freed me to start researching what abortion really was, you see my husband died never knowing about the other abortions. I began attending a Forgiven and Set Free Bible Study, and in that study God spoke to me directly from His word… He said in Isaiah 54:4 “Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth?and the sorrows of widowhood.” He, on the cross, had truly set me free. I learned that He not only paid for my future but he paid for my past, he owns me and all my pain and will use it all for good and His Glory if I’d only give it to Him.
God took these questions…
Why didn’t anybody tell me that my babies were alive and had beating hearts? Why was Planned Parenthood allowed to lie to me? How is this legal? Where were all the Christians?
… and turned me into an answer.
God has used my story to save lives and heal hearts, and I want so much to tell anyone who will listen that He wants to do the same with theirs.
And that is why I am Silent No More!