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A Path to Healing

My name is Amber and I regret my abortion.

I was a 19 year old college freshman, working my way through college, when I first discovered I was pregnant.  I wanted to be a physician, and could not imagine being a mother at that point in my life. I told my boyfriend of over two years that I was pregnant with his child and that I was going to schedule an abortion, and he agreed to provide the transportation and pay for the abortion. We never had any kind of discussion of what we should do, but we did what we thought was expected of us, when an unplanned pregnancy occurred. Looking back, I think one of my biggest fears was the thought of facing my parents, as an unmarried, single mother and being judged for my behaviors.

Being brought up in a Christian home, I knew deep down inside that abortion was wrong, but I felt so scared and so alone, with no way out. So after scheduling my abortion, I searched for someone who could really help me and tell me what to do. I turned my friends for advice, and every single one of them told me that I needed to get an abortion. Well, today I believe I was truly looking for an alternative to abortion, but there was none to be had.

The day of the abortion came very quickly, and I was thankful because I was so sick with morning sickness, throwing up twice on the way to the abortion clinic. After arriving to the abortion facility, my boyfriend paid for the abortion and we sat down together in some chairs near the entrance of the exam rooms, waiting anxiously to get this thing over with. Immediately after hearing my name called, I felt a fear deep inside me and wanted desperately for my boyfriend, or anyone at that point, to stop me. I remember getting up very slowly and dragging my feet, looking back at my boyfriend, hoping he would stop this from happening, but did nothing but look away.

I was put into a small room for a few minutes before being led to a room where I saw a table with stirrups, and changed into a gown. I don’t remember any kind of counseling or reassurance.   I remember seeing the abortionist come in, and shortly after that I remember feeling a lot of pain, but was never offered anything for my anxiety or pain.  I remember the horrible sound of the vacuum and severe pain.  I screamed for the doctor to stop. I kept crying, please stop! Only then, did the nurse place a mask on my face that contained some kind drug that eventually calmed me down.  The next thing I remember is waking up with stomach cramps and my boyfriend talking to the abortionist.  My boyfriend was told ..."get her a little bit of something to eat, and let her sleep it off and everything will be fine tomorrow."  Well, three months after my abortion; my boyfriend and I broke up and I went on with my life, never associating my anger, failed relationships and promiscuity, with my abortion. 
My path to healing was a winding journey of marrying my wonderful husband, finding our way back to faith and ultimately becoming Catholic.   In 2007, my husband and I participated in our first 40 days for life.  I became a trained sidewalk counselor and realized that I needed healing from my abortion.  In 2008, I mourned for my baby girl, Cecilia Marie at a project Rachel retreat.  My husband was at my side and many tears were shed that day, the cleansing forgiveness of God became apparent that day.  And, I forgave myself.  Today, I have a Saint in Heaven praying for me and I am working to see her someday.


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