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In Memory of Honor
Precious
 
     

I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 28.  On October 13th I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. I had mixed emotions about the pregnancy...the most part I was so happy that I was carrying this precious gift and that I would give him his first born, but I tried to convince myself that I didn't want it, in case my boyfriend suggested an abortion. And part of me worried about what my family would say as I still had to graduate and have so much to look forward to before considering having kids...and so I told him the Saturday, the Sunday he came after work and said he accepted full responsibility of our actions but he requested I take another test to verify. I did that the Monday after my classes and it came back positive.  I told him, then he said we'd talk because he was busy with training at work. He and I had so many plans, babies were part of those plans but just not right now as I still have to graduate and get in full swing of my career in the Marketing and Business field and he'd continue to get up the corporate ladder as an IT engineer.

We decided we'd abort. I then booked an appointment with Marie Stopes for termination even though I'd started to bond with the little angel growing inside me.  I got to Marie Stopes early Saturday morning- I went with a friend because my boyfriend was in Ghana at the time due to work.  I was going to have the medical abortion they did the ultrasound and I was too far along.  According to the ultrasound I was 9 weeks and 3 days & they only do medical abortions at 9 weeks and less.. So I went home.  I felt that this was a sign not to even consider termination any further & the lady at Marie Stopes told me the same thing.  I told my boyfriend what they said at Marie Stopes that's when my misery began we had a constant battle of words via texts as he was still in Ghana I was so unhappy and that affected baby, my studies and my eating habits. I felt I couldn't go on, I didn't get how two people that care & love each other so much fought over such a blessing and why such a beautiful gift that some people struggle to get due to infertility would cause us so much pain when it should be the happiest time in our lives despite how difficult it is to raise a child. 

My boyfriend came back from Ghana we talked and agreed we'd abort even after I'd bonded with baby and by then my family knew about my pregnancy but still I chose to do it. Even with the fear of not knowing how it would be raising this child on my own as my boyfriend said if I kept it if be on my own, I felt I needed him to help me raise Tlotliso, I needed him to be a father to our angel, not to just be there for monetary support that didn't matter.. OR I'd abort and we'd carry on and have our babies later once both our careers were no longer such a priority...I'd bonded with baby so much.

I cried uncontrollably on the day of the abortion I STILL had a CHOICE but, I ignored that..the doctor we went to said he'd do the medical abortion and by then I was 11weeks and so I allowed it and the doctor said to me "I can tell this is not what you want and I won't do the procedure if you are not ready" and I just had to put on a face and say this is what I want.  And he did it, he put four pills up my cervix for dilation and two pills I took orally to stop the pregnancy hormones and I'd have to take the rest hours later and I'd then have to deal with having a D&C later to empty my uterus completely. The thought of it all, my body had already gone through so much with all the constant changes it was too much for me to bear  The one minute its recognizing that I'm pregnant and adjusts to that and then there's an abortion my body has to realize there's no longer another being who's life it has to sustain until birth and mentally it was hard adjusting to everything.

I didn’t know whether I was coming or going anyhow my boyfriend & I left the doctor's office he took me home and he went back to work.  He gave me a peck on the lips and a hug and told me how much he loves me and said all will be well.  I felt I'd satisfied him and did what he so badly wanted  - funny that I don’t resent him but I resent myself for being so weak at the time when I could've fought for my little angel who couldn't defend himself.   I believed I was going to have a baby boy and I'd name him Tlotliso meaning Honor.

I slept after my boyfriend left for work...he later called me when he got to work saying if I'm not ok I should let him know at that point I was somewhat happy that he'd at least cared to check on me and after that I fell asleep only to be woken by the most excruciating pain I'd never felt in my life even though I have a history of suffering from severe menstrual cramps but this pain was nothing compared to it. That's when I'd realized that was the end of my little Tlotliso's being at only 11weeks.  I couldn't stop crying nor could I stop cradling my tummy knowing I'd never have those moments again where I'd cradle my tummy and talk to him and tell him how much I love him like I always did every time I had some alone time with him.. The bleeding and parts of my baby that were leaving my body weren't as painful as knowing I'll never get to see him ever. 

I then wrote this "I feel horrible that you are not here..I know I would've loved and cared for you more than anything else..I would’ve continued with my studies so I could give you the best of anything you'd ever need. Your name would've been Tlotliso (Honor) as I know God saw greatness in me and Honored me with your conception..Know that I love and wish you were here every single day of my life.  No one can ever replace you.  You were only 11weeks but we shared a bond no one will ever understand. No one knows this but you made me happy but fear and uncertainty over shadowed that  Though you could move and I couldn't feel your little acrobatics as you were still so tiny.  I would've been the best mom I could possibly be at 22 but now sadness fills me more than ever knowing I'll never get to hold you in my arms, hear you cry, see you crawl and take your first steps. Also not knowing the first word you'd say..I yearn for all that.  I cry so much thinking of what I've done I gave consent to end what would've been another reason to live and achieve greatness so I could give you the best life, you'd never be in need of anything, I'd give you all the love you'll ever need...I think of the moment your little heart stopped beating...I was scared and didn't know how everything would work out without you having your dad around...but I know the Lord doesn't make mistakes you were meant to be there and I took all that away, maybe your father would've eventually dealt with his own issues of why he wasn't prepared to have you then but I'll never know because of what I chose to do.  I can't forgive myself..I wish I could reverse it all and have you back...even though you were just as tiny as a  prune as the doctor said and your heart was beating you were more human than anything..I didn't give you a fair chance it would've probably been a struggle to juggle studies and raising you but through God I know it would've been possible. I sacrificed your life because of fear even when I was praying..and I know God knew about your conception the minute I was born as he knows all things, He knew I'd be pregnant at 22.  He knew I could do it and he'd help me be the mother you needed me to be but I wasn't firm in my faith and the devil over powered I wish I'd been a lot stronger for you and just focused on you and my studies and we could've been ok...now I'll never get to see your tiny self that just breaks my heart more than anything else..Only I know the PAIN I felt the minute I took those pills to end a life that could've been so precious. I knew it was over when I started bleeding and parts of you came out the most painful thing ever. I thought of the easy way out but it didn’t end there.. now I have the emotional pain that no one understands I just want you back that's all I ask for from the Lord every time I pray, I pray for you to come back, that’s the only thing that will heal me ,I feel as though no amount of therapy, money, clothes or simply just forgetting will erase your existence though I cut it short.  Even your tiny brain cells were functioning any pain I felt you felt, we went through the misery together I'm sorry for the pain I've caused to your tiny body.  All I want is to have you back I wish I made a better choice just for you and forget how others feel nor what they think...I can't sleep I think of you everyday...you're all I need, but you are gone the biggest mistake I made.

I regret the decision I've made so much, The only memory I'll have of my baby is an in text tattoo that I plan of getting that will say the following" THIS IS ON ACCOUNT OF MY LOVING YOU FOREVER AND EVERYWHERE I GO THERE YOU WILL BE....TLOTLISO (MY HONOUR)"though it won't make up for what I've done at least his memory is will always be with me..June 11th 2013 would be his birthday it’s a day I'll never forget.  .I'm going to let my baby's short lived existence live on, no matter what.  He's a part of me that I'll never forget. I never got to meet him in person but my love for him goes beyond this world. I think of him everyday. Abortion was NOT a solution for me it brought me more pain than relief...and I never thought I'd find myself in that situation. I know God has forgiven me but whether I'll ever forgive myself I'm not sure but its work in progress some days are harder than others...I wish I'd kept my baby. More than anything else, even though my boyfriend and I are still together, the abortion is something we don't talk about, I'm kind of ok in most parts as I feel he's a part of my baby's being that makes me feel like not all is lost, I feel as though my baby lives through him..he's not perfect but he tries to be the best partner possible and I believe my baby would've taken after his father,  he would've be so driven and had hunger for success like his parents do... and most probably not repeat our mistakes but be better than us...my boyfriend is the only person I have left that's a constant reminder of our little angel that's no longer here.....I've vowed to remember my baby for the rest of my being on this earth, Lord knows I wish things could be different. 

I miss the feeling of his existence inside me  - it’s a feeling I can't describe, people couldn't tell I was pregnant but I knew and felt it especially the cramps I felt when his embryo first embedded itself in my uterus and I mistook it for menstrual cramps little did I know that was my angel, it wasn't  the most pleasant pregnancy but regardless knowing he was inside made me happy even when I knew I had to decide his fate.   I hate myself for not being the mother I was supposed to be to him and fight for his precious life...I was such a coward and stopped fighting.....no child I'll have will replace this one but I vow to love them as much as I love the one that's gone.  It hurts but I feel he's our guardian angel even after we chose to get rid of him he'll help us be better parents to his future brothers or sisters....but I sorely miss him I'm hurting............

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