I had abortions because my mother felt that it was the right thing to do. Getting pregnant in her eyes before marriage was disgraceful and shameful. After my first abortion, I never felt remorse because I was taught by my mother that this was something that you do to "fix a problem". I felt glad that my mother knew what to do so that I didn't have to feel embarrassed for making a bad choice and having a product of intercourse before marriage. The second abortion I had I went on feeling the same feelings I felt before, that I fixed my problem and it's behind me. The third time I knew what to do because my boyfriend already had a child and he didn't want another so I never even told my mother, I just fixed my problem. The fourth abortion I had because I thought that's what you were supposed to do after you got pregnant and weren't married, fix the problem. My boyfriend at the time couldn't afford to take care of a child so again I thought I would fix the problem.
Immediately after my last abortion, I was in the recovery room and I remember the girl beside me had just gotten wheeled in the room and she was crying, very loud and sobbing. I remember looking at her and wondering why she was crying. They put her next to me and through her tears she looked at me and said I can't believe I just killed my baby. At that moment I realized what I did. I was devastated, there were and still aren't any words sufficient enough to describe the void and grief and loss and emptiness I felt that that moment and over the next thirteen years. As time went on after my abortion my life changed. I hated myself. I tried to commit suicide numerous times. I carried the deep pain of knowing that I had a choice and I chose to kill my children. I spent years addicted to drugs and suffering through eating disorders. I never talked to anyone for fear that they would know the truth about me, that I was a baby killer, not just once but four times.
I met a wonderful man that I married that introduced me to church and God. I finished nursing school and I gave birth to two beautiful healthy girls in 2002 and 2003 and on Tuesday, October 21 2003 I met Jesus Christ and He changed my life. I learned about forgiveness and healing and salvation. Somehow, even though I knew about forgiveness, I would go on for nine more years carrying the burden of what I did and still unable to find complete healing. Only until recently have I sought to find peace for what I did. For years I felt that punishing myself would be a life sentence that I willingly accepted. I know that I have found forgiveness in Christ Jesus and I know that I will see my babies again in Heaven. I have spent the last three years in private counseling to deal with my emotions as a result of my abortions and I have sought help through a retreat at Rachel's Vineyard that I am scheduled to attend in March of 2013.