I am pro-life because I believe all babies, born and preborn, have the right to life BUT I am also pro woman because I believe that women deserve better than to have their lives destroyed by abortion.
In late December 2000, when I was 21 years old I found myself unmarried, living at home with my mother and raising a 1 ½-year-old daughter. I began feeling tired and run down and decided I better take a pregnancy test. It came up positive. I was scared, alone, and ashamed. I knew that my parents would be terribly disappointed in me for getting pregnant once again without any means to support myself and with a boyfriend who had already proven himself to be less than interested in parenting our daughter. I didn’t have any idea what to do or even who to turn to about this. I made the very difficult, painful decision to “terminate the fetus”.
About 4 weeks into my pregnancy, I searched the yellow pages for “abortion clinics”. My mind kept screaming “Are you really doing this?” I called the clinic on Burt Road in Lexington, made the appointment and asked off for the day from work.
Two weeks later, January 5, 2001, my boyfriend dropped me off at the clinic where I handed the receptionist $400, the price to murder our child. I was led into a room with about 5 other scared, mostly teenage girls. I was taken into a room and “counseled” about what I would be using for birth control “after”. I was given pain medicine and then led into a room for an ultrasound. The monitor was turned away so I could not see it but I KNEW what was on that screen….my BABY. I had seen the ultrasound every other month when I was pregnant the first time with my daughter. I knew if I looked at that screen I would see a beating heart and that what I was doing was murdering my baby. But no one tried to stop me. I wish that nurse had asked me if I wanted to look. I wish I had asked to see it. I would have seen the beating heart of my child and maybe, just maybe, I would have changed my mind.
I was led into a room and told to get up on the table. The doctor came in and the suctioning began. I remember wondering what the doctor was doing with the child he was removing from my body. Where would it go? Into a jar? Into the trash? Everything inside of me was telling me to stop but I was too scared and I thought it was too late. The abortionist asked me who my OB-GYN was and when I told him he said “You shouldn’t tell him you were here. He wouldn’t like it.” I was taken to a recovery room until my boyfriend came to pick me up.
The procedure was over in minutes but the pain of that day has haunted me for years. I have had nightmares of that day ever since. How could I just I lay on that table and allow my baby to be suctioned out of my body without even knowing where she went? I am a mother. It is my responsibility to take care of my children….ALL of my children. Sometimes when I look at my beautiful daughter (and now my son) I think of what I robbed her of, what I robbed the whole world of…the life and love of my sweet, precious child that I so easily “chose to terminate”.
In September 2008, I had the privilege of attending a retreat known as “Rachel’s Vineyard”. I found peace and healing with God that I had not known before. The kindness of the men and women there helped me to realize the depth of God’s love for me and the forgiveness He showers down on me.
Had abortion not been an option I would have been forced to tell my parents and looking back I realize that they would have helped me just as they had before. It is possible that I may have chosen to give my child up for adoption but at least she would still be living her life on this earth instead of dying at the hands of an abortionist. I took what seemed the easiest option at the time….abortion. I now know that was actually by far the hardest decision. Although I have found a sense of peace, that “choice” will live with me forever.
By far the greatest thing that came from the retreat was being given the opportunity to name the daughter that I had so easily thrown away. Her name is Sarah Rose. I know that she lives in Heaven and that she has forgiven me for taking her life. I pray every day that one day I will hold her in my arms and kiss her sweet face just as I have kissed her sister’s face every day.