“I became suicidal and mentally unstable. I had three nervous breakdowns in my early 20s and led a very self-destructive lifestyle”. Maryellen York, Oregon.
I was only 16 when I had my first of four abortions. A year later, I had my second abortion. In both cases, I was pressured by my mother. We had a very close relationship so I trusted her. I was very young and confused. I didn’t know the truth about abortion or the consequences of it. I could only trust my mother’s decision for me.
When I was 18 I learned I was pregnant after I had been raped. I felt so alone and so scared. I felt I had no other choice than to have another abortion, secretively. This was my third abortion.
I had my last abortion when I was 30, pressured by the baby’s father.
I have experienced many traumatic effects of abortion. I have suffered physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually.
After my third abortion, life was almost unbearable. I became suicidal and mentally unstable. I had three nervous breakdowns in my early 20s. I led a very self-destructive lifestyle. I couldn’t keep a job or live in one place for very long. I drank heavily, and was sexually promiscuous. I became involved in relationships with controlling and very abusive men.
I now know that abortion is based on lies. Women are led to believe that they are only removing a blob of tissue. In my case, my first three abortions were late-term so I knew it was more than just a blob of tissue, it was a full formed baby at that term in my pregnancy. Life starts at conception. It is not natural for a mother to take the life of her child, no matter what part of the pregnancy they’re in.
My abortions were so traumatic that I blocked the memories for years. I remember my fourth abortion more than the others as I could feel the baby being pulled apart limb-by-limb. It was so horrible. I still find it hard to believe that I did such a horrible thing as killing my own babies.
Many women life in denial, needing the comfort of believing that it is their right and their choice, and that there are no consequences to an abortion. They feel that they are not ready for the change a baby would bring into their life. But there are many consequences and abortion brings about many negative changes such as low self-esteem, relationship problems, guilt, shame, self-destructive behavior, and addictions.
I want to help women who are hurting and let them know there is hope and healing available. My abortions hurt me and I will speak out to expose the truth about abortions.
The worst part of my life was my separation from God. I didn’t think that God could forgive me of those grave, immoral sins of abortion (killing my own babies). Two years after my third abortion, I was 20 years old, and had a miscarriage. I wanted that baby so much. I felt God was punishing me for aborting my babies. Five years later, I became pregnant. I almost lost the baby (my daughter Paula). I thank God I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl!!!
June 29th, 1994 I was in an auto accident. The doctors called me a miracle. I had a closed head injury along with many other injuries. I had a 2-year recovery. I still suffer with much chronic pain and PTSD. My miracle, the accident is what brought me back to God!! I have learned of God’s unconditional love and divine mercy.
My first healing was in the confessional. I truly felt the power of the Holy Spirit as the Priest absolved me on sins (abortions). In 1999, I was drawn to a crisis pregnancy center. I felt that God was calling on me to become a volunteer. Volunteering allowed me to do the “forgiven and set free” biblical healing journey where we had a memorial service for our aborted babies. This was a powerful experience in my healing because I was actually able to grieve; I was set free. I was able to name my babies (Abigail, George, Sarah, David, and Accaicia) and I wrote them each a letter explaining how sorry I was for aborting them.
In 2006, I moved to Eugene, OR. I saw an ad in our church bulletin for a “Rachael Vineyard” retreat. During this retreat, I was able to have a more personal/intimate relationship with the lord by understanding his unconditional love and mercy he has for us. Even with God’s forgiveness, I had difficulty in forgiving myself. With this retreat, I was able to find forgiveness within myself.