(For my children living in Heaven with Jesus, my twins Joshua & Joseph and Miryam)
Jesus says, “Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh.”
St. Luke 6:21 KJV
I had three abortions because I was very afraid of disappointing my mother. I was shameful for having sex with boys I didn’t even know thinking they would love or care for me afterwards. I was already feeling unworthy because my father raped me when I was ten. I was very naïve about my body, sex, life and abortion. I don’t remember much about my abortion experiences except that I was 17 for the first and 18 for the last. I know in both cases I never told anyone, not even the babies’ father. During my first abortion, I remember seeing the doctor walking into the room; I remember the tugging, and pulling motions in my stomach as I lay on my back; I remember the vacuum sounds of a machine; and I saw the nurse carry my fetuses in a clear container. I don’t remember my second abortion. I recall leaving the clinic shocked, scared, and glad I got rid of this problem and that my mother would never find out. At the time, I didn’t feel like I did anything wrong, after all, the people at the abortion clinic told me it wasn’t a pregnancy anyway—just “a blob of tissue” and that the procedure would be “quick and easy”. They lied.
Immediately after my abortions, I was feeling as though I crossed over into darkness. I became very sad. I didn’t have close relationships with people, I didn’t trust men, and I hated myself. My emotions grew into anger and bitterness because my abortions made me feel very ugly, inside and out. I hated myself for being sexual, so, I locked up my femininity and I did not want anything to do with sex. I also felt guilty for killing my babies, so I made myself forget about it all. I lived in denial for 30 years. Recently, after living many years in secrecy, regret, guilt and pain, I went through a Biblical healing program called Forgiven and Set Free; there, I was able to receive God's forgiveness and receive His Grace and Mercy for my past. Today, I no longer walk with my head down in the dark. But instead, I walk in the light because I am silent no more! I now have peace, joy and a purpose. I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and I give all the Glory to God, and His Son Christ Jesus, KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS! With my testimony today, I hope that I may encourage other girls and women to seek out a healing program, and for those who are considering abortion, go to a pregnancy care center and get the truth because women do regret abortion.