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I’m Still Healing

When I was seventeen I had an abortion. I am now fifty-two and still cry about it.  I thought I was pregnant and finally told my mom.  She called my dad who said ‘get rid of it or I'm leaving’. 
She called a friend of hers that was a nurse.  Next thing I know I'm at the doctor’s office thinking
I'm getting a checkup to see if I am pregnant and he gives me a shot and tells my mom to bring me back in tomorrow to finish the procedure.  There was no chance to talk, to run away... it was done.  I guess I was just numb because I can't remember anything but laying on a table staring at the ceiling with tears coming out of my eyes and the nurse saying over and over ‘are you okay’ and me not saying anything.  She told the doctor ‘oh she’s fine she just won't talk’. 

 I remember my dad driving us there.  His name was well known around the community because of him being involved in youth sports and didn't want to ruin "his name" with a pregnant daughter. 

 Later I confided in a friend and she ended up calling me a baby killer at a party with my classmates.  Though they defended me I was so ashamed.  I ran away and was gone for about a week - ended up hitchhiking with a friend in thirty- below weather and ended up in ND.  I did go home as the parents were frantic and calling police. When I came home they both cried and apologized but I was just numb. Ended up drinking, doing drugs, sex, I just didn't care.  I never got in trouble; I think I was just trying anything to hurt myself and to be accepted.

 Later I was married to an abuser and divorced two years later. Found out during that time the boyfriend that got me pregnant was trying to hire someone to push me down the stairs at school for $500 so I would miscarry.  I wasn't even sure at that time if I was.  Later remarried and got pregnant.  They thought I miscarried and put me in for a D&C with a bunch of other girls getting abortions, laughing and joking about it.  Well I ended up in an emergency room and it was a tubal pregnancy which they removed.  Felt this was my punishment. Got divorced and later remarried.  Had another emergency surgery on my other tube that was twisted and full of cysts. So I no longer could have children.

 I'm fifty-two and have never had a day where I haven't felt guilt. I was raised in a very Catholic environment so as I got older it was hard to understand how my parents could make this choice. Granted my mother still to this day apologizes and says it is the biggest regret and I end up trying to make her feel better.  I guess I have forgiven them and myself but it’s just a pain that never goes away. 

I cleaned up my life fourteen years ago which makes things good and bad.  Have to feel those feelings now but at least I'm dealing with them. My heart breaks for those getting abortions because they don't realize the effect it will have, if not now, then later. The one thing that keeps me going (though I did try suicide and by the grace of God the doctors brought me back after my heart stopped twice) is knowing I will see Anthony and Joseph someday.  When I tried killing myself I said it was an accident but I know better.  I had I guess you could call "The Light" moment when I was laying on the table when they were pumping my stomach and Jesus was standing there next to me with a white robe and the hood was over his face and he said "this is who you need to love”, expecting to see His face.  When I looked over it was my face. Though I don't talk to anyone much in my family about my feelings I have told them about my Jesus experience.  It makes people uncomfortable to talk about it with me so I just don't.  I know someone who has had two abortions and she’s a mess but won't admit that it has anything to do with it and gets mad so...the story goes on.

I'm still in a marriage that is...well, we're married. He could care less about kids so it’s not an issue.  I would have liked to adopt but never felt worthy and now it’s not even an option in my situation.  So I'm just patiently waiting with my ‘pet’ kids to see my children someday.  God Bless you and what you’re doing and thanks for listening.  I could go on and on about the messed up life I've had but that just is expected with such guilt- ridden feelings.  I'm still healing and will be till the day I die.


Priests for Life
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